Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Oprah Pt. 2

I totally missed Oprah yesterday, and when i read Allie's post today, i knew that i wanted to rush home after work to watch it on my DVR. I completely understood how Allie felt while watching that show, and asked myself the same question as Oprah....how did i let myself get here?

While watching the show, they keep hitting on a specific topic; that your weight gain is not because of cookies, or chocolate, or even food really....it is because you are substituting something missing in your life with food. At the end of the show Bob Greene tells everyone to ask themselves 4 questions. He stresses not to ask these questions on a superficial level, but to really dig deep in your emotions to figure out the source of your weight gain, because until you do this, you will always struggle.

I was not brave enough to take a picture in my sports bra like Lesli and Ryan. In my introductory entry, i was comical, and not honest and vulnerable like Allison. I figured i could deal myself in on the hand of vulnerability, and answer these questions as honestly as i can; because the answers have genuinely made everything in regards to my weight gain make sense to me.

1. Why are you overweight?

Until i started this weight loss challenge, i had gained 28 pounds since i moved to Chicago from Atlanta two and a half years ago (although, i gained all the weight in the first year and a half). I moved here with the thought that everything would be the same, i would adjust, i would be successful, and it would only be a turn for the better. I started a new job and I can honestly say, working there was the worst time of my life. I would go to work and feel broken down more and more each hour i was there. I would then come home and spend my evenings on my sofa eating pizza and drowning my sorrows with a bottle of wine. I moved to Chicago to be closer to Kenneth, and our relationship was the only thing here that was going good at the time. I would go out to eat with him, indulge on food that was not healthy and neglect working out and taking care of myself. Being with him was my distraction, and it was so much easier to do that, than to think about how miserable i was at work and how much i missed my family and friends in Georgia.

2. What are you really hungry for?

I am starved for acceptance. I know that i am loved an accepted by my husband, and that has never changed. What has changed is the fact that in Georgia, i was accepted at work because of my skills, my repore with clients and my successes in business transactions. I was accepted by my family 100% because they loved me for the person i was, flaws and all. Now, I feel that i am accepted at work only when i am generating more revenue than anyone else, working even during my vacations, or being the last one out of the office each day. Now, my family in Chicago are my in-laws, and i feel like i am only accepted by them when i am doing something that they want, contributing to something that they want, or accommodating them when they want.

3. Why have you not been able to maintain weight loss in the past?

I think the true answer to this questions is my lack of adjustment. I have gained weight in the past, but have always been able to get it off soon after. I have moved around all my life as a military brat, and it always goes the same way. When i move somewhere, i initially gain weight the first year. After that, the weight comes off, because i get into a rhythm of life and eventually adjust. Every time i have moved i have always been near my family, until this time. I think my inability to adjust to this move to Chicago has been a major factor in not being able to lose weight.

4. Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight because i know that i am stronger than this. I know that i have the strength and the courage to live a healthy lifestyle, and not let my circumstances dictate how i treat myself. It doesn't matter who accepts me or where i live; i love myself enough to take care of myself. Everyone who loves me and accepts me wants me to take care of myself. There are so many wonderful things about my life, and i need to focus on those things. I need to stop coping with my life in Chicago...but really start to embrace it and live it to the fullest.

One of the things that stood out the most in the show to me was when Bob Greene said that you will win your battle with weight when you realize that it never ends. I will never be the person that can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound...i have to love who i am, and take care of that person. Allie hit on one of the best points that Oprah made during this show. I have been BLESSED in this body. No matter what i have done to this body, my heart is still beating and it is still working for me. It's time i returned the favor.