Monday, January 12, 2009

bitch fests & struggles

I first wore this dress in 2004.  I slipped it back on New Years Eve, which was also weigh in day and felt on top of the world.  For the first time in a very long long time I thought, "Look out Papa, Mama looks GOOOOD!"  The double chin was at a minimum, the belt cinched my waist just so and spaghetti straps were even ok.  Jillian had been kicking my tail lately and maybe just maybe it was starting to pay off through my shoulders and arms.

So, I did what I did best.  Rewarded myself with a big ole plate of delicious cuban food.  I justified that it was one entire week before weigh in AND new years eve, so it shouldn't matter.  Then the next day I had Qdoba for dinner, because it was just not fair that Justin got to go out to eat with his friend.  And then I had a heaping plate of Mediterranean food, because that's what I had really wanted to the night before and I was moving.  I deserved the extra calories.

Then came the NEXT weigh in and I was 4 pounds up and mad at the world.  I mean really... how can it take 3 weeks to lose 5 pounds and just one week to gain all but one pound back?

After a very long bitch fest to Allison about life is not fair because I wasn't born tall & skinny and my husband was and that mexican food isn't calorie free and neither are cupcakes I came to the end of my rope.

Reaching my goal weight is not the end of the journey it's only the beginning of the rest of my healthy life.  I think the hardest thing for me to do was to admit to myself and now to you that I am a reward eater and my reward is ooey-gooey mucho caloric food!  For as strong willed as I can be about many things, this is a road block in my brain that I can't move out of the way.

My resolution for next new years eve is to be standing before the camera not only a thinner and stronger me for an evening, but a healthier me for the long haul.  This is my lifestyle change and it starts now.